Reason #436637 Why...

i love this man.

me: doing homework, chin in palm with my lip poked out, staring at the computer screen...

him: "what's wrong? you look discouraged." comes over and rubs my neck and shoulders. "do you need anything?"

♥

it's the little things.

So Good...

hello my loves :)

i miss you all, just wanted to poke my head in and say haaaaay!

everything is going well: getting straight A's, bills are paid, bellies are full- so i can't complain. i hope you all are doing lovely as well!

anyway, i was up tonight youtube DJ'ing with my honey dip (yeah i said honey dip) as we do sometimes. be having straight youtube mixtapes jumpin off up in here n shit lol. but anyway this song came to mind and i had to take yall back...



this was my shit! still is. i'll be singing this in the shower for the next week or so now.

soon as i find the time, i will be back to post something that's actually about something lol.

*smooches*

"Nope. Not a Drop."

i was reminiscing the other day about some drunken moments. yall remember the first time you got fucked up? well the first time i ever got officially drunk i was 14 years old (dont judge me). let me tell you the tale of...

OLDE ENGLISH

i was at my friend's house chillin and there was another chick there who we kicked it with a couple times and she asked me to walk to the store with her. so we go and as we're leaving she saw this dude she was "talkin to" and he was like "what yall bout to do?" (i'd seen him around but didn't know him like that) she told him "i dont know, why?" he said "yall wanna come chill? im about to pick up (so and so- dont remember his name.)" she just answered "yeah sure." for us both and i was like whatever, i guess i'll go.

he stops at the liquor store.

yeah we were 14 and he was old enough to buy liquor. at this point im thinking "what the...?" and when he gets back in the car he hands us a damn 40 oz. of Old English. now see i had beer before, my father used to let me have some sips on New Years Eve and SuperBowl games, etc. but not a whole damn 40 oz. i was just planning on not drinking mine. but after we arrived at, which i now assume was his mother's house, she was talkin to her dude in the kitchen and i was in the family room, his boy was sitting on the couch lookin like he wanted to talk to me but was nervous or some shit (which was good cuz he was too old for me. and large and ugly). well i got bored so i twisted the cap off n took a sip. and then another... and another... thought "oh this aint shit." and sips turned into chugs. then soon it was gone. and then i drank half of another one for some reason.

then i had to pee.

i was sitting down while i was drinking and i think i drank it in less than 15 minutes. dont ask me who i thought i was. so i realized i was drunk, but of course tried to play it off. mister old-n-nervous decided he wanted to sit next to me on the couch and try to get my phone number when i came back from peeing and i wasn't even tryina hear that shit so i waved at her and said "yo im ready to leave now." and stood by the door. her dude was like "aww yall aint even been here that long." i told him it was long enough for me and that if he didn't want to give me a ride home i will just walk. so he threw his car keys to pudge face (mufucka looked like beanie seagull- yes im fully aware of how i spelled that) and told him to drive me home.

the ride was silent except me telling him where to turn and proclaiming i was engaged to be married... at 14 years old. i had him drop me off in front of the wrong house on purpose, then walked up the street to my house. my sister and our neighbor were sitting on the steps and the first thing my sister said when she saw me was "oooh you're drunk." so i did the finger to my lips "ssssshhhhh" move, and giggled.

"damn i can smell it on your breath! dad is home, you can't go upstairs like that, come on let's go in the back."

so i followed them to the back and somehow decided i wanted to go into our building's laundry room instead and sit on top of a washer. i looked like a weeble wobble on that shit, talkin about "gum. i need gum. gimme gum." my sister said "i dont have any!"

"yes you do." *reached IN her mouth and TOOK her gum* smh

next thing i remember was them walking me up the street with one of my arms on each of their shoulders. i saw a man bringing trash bags to the curb and yelled out "oh shit its trash day?! i didnt know it was trash day! aw damn it." as if it was of some significance to me (?) then we went onto the playground at the pre-k on the corner. i sat on the lil steel bus talkin about some damn "vrrrrooooom! beep beep!!" and banged my forehead against the steering wheel. damn shame how i get an injury driving a stationary playground fixture.

so since that was a bad idea, we went up in my neighbor's house, who we shared a top porch with. i remember my sister calling a friend of mine and i was on the phone with her saying something about being drunk and engaged (and i had actually put my lil diamond pinky ring onto my left ring finger at some point). but our neighbor friend's mom came home and if she saw me drunk she'd tell my father so we snuck out onto the top porch. with my father in the living room on the other side of the door.

i was shook as hell. but unfortunately no amount of shookness could sober me up. it was about to start getting dark and i'd already been gone all day so of course my father was looking for me. my sister told him she hadn't seen me. but i realized i just better take my ass home. so they snuck me out of the neighbor's house and i went downstairs, opened our door and went up. walked in and went straight to the bathroom. splashed my face with cold water then came out trying to act like i was tired and didnt feel good.

nice try.

my father was like "have a seat over there for a minute."

"aw fuck."

i sat my ass down and stared at the tv like everything was just cool.

dad: where were you?

me: with danielle.

dad: who the hell is danielle?

me: neasha's friend.

dad: ok where? doing what? drinking?

me: *innocent face* whaaat? no! *stares back at tv*

dad: so you haven't been drinking?

me: nope. not a drop.

3...2...1...


*BARF!*

all over the living room floor.

i dont remember feeling anything, but i do remember my hair flying across my face cuz he went upside my head.

me: *sobbing* im so sorry i'll never drink again!

lies.

Shatter

Over the past couple days I've noticed a few things about myself, things I was too overwhelmed or distracted to notice before. I'm starting to think about my life harder than I ever have. I'm getting tired. I am fed up with the struggle. I am determined to look at every obstacle as a way to be more clever, to be stronger, to be smarter. I look at my babies and I feel like... "i HAVE to make it. i HAVE to." Any time I find myself feeling discouraged, I remind myself of my purpose.

We only get one life- ONE.

Today I did something I rarely do, let my brain be still. Just stop thinking about what needs to be done... and what needs to be done after that... and okay once that's done, then what? I feel like a robot sometimes. I started to think about alot of things... then I just cried. Just let every stress and every frustration roll down my face. I pretty much cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And I needed that. I hate to cry but I think as humans we just need to, atleast once in a while. One thing I like to say is: In order to get ourselves together, sometimes we need to fall apart.

I just make sure that when I pick up the pieces, I leave behind the parts I don't need anymore. Sometimes we need to stop and analyze ourselves. It's good to stop and think, what was I doing two years ago? And what am I doing now? Have I moved backwards or forwards? Is there anything I'm unhappy about right now that I can change?

Make a plan for yourself. What is your dream? What's standing in the way? How can you clear the path? Rarely in life are things going to happen just because we want them to really bad. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

And sometimes we need help, people to give us that encouragement when we're all tapped out. So choose your army wisely. You don't want negative people in your circle. I'm not saying cut off your miserable friends, just keep them outside your circle- love them from a distance. The more positive people you surround yourself with, the more that energy will rub off on you. The more goal-oriented people you associate with, the more you will strive for success. And don't let anyone tell you that you think you're better than anyone either. It's just growing up, we all have to do it eventually, some just get there quicker than others. That's their fault, not yours. And it's your life, not theirs.

Take some time to analyze yourself, figure out what you want, and how you can get there. Life is what you make it, so I suggest you make yourself proud.

Inner Peace

"For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."

I need a break. My mind needs a vacation and my body needs rest. I have too much going on right now with work, school, moving, tending to my children, taking care of home, and looking for a new job. Lately the average time I've been getting in bed is 1am... squeeze some lovin in there and the time I actually go to sleep is later than that lol. Then I wake up at 6:30am to start my day. And since I have classes all day Saturday (8:30am-5:50pm) the only day I really get to "rest" is Sunday. Which is also laundry day, woohoo! *sucks teeth n pouts*

On top of all that I blog, I tweet, I read blogs (yeah I be lurkin sometimes lol), I get phone calls and text messages. I get called upon for advice and venting, etc. I even have a friend who will call as I'm putting my kids in bed and ask me "What are you doing?" and I tell her "Putting them in bed..." but she keeps on talking anyway "Oh. Girl let me tell you what happened." NO. How bout I call you back after I tuck my children in? How about I not have a phone up to my face as I hug and kiss them goodnight? Finally I just have to cut her off and be like "yo i'ma call you back."

I try to do too many things, I push myself in too many different directions throughout the day. I let other people's problems become my problems. And lawd knows I have enough of my own as it is. I just can't do it anymore, atleast not right now. I'm going on hiatus. I'm putting my phone on silent from the moment I get home until 30 minutes after my kids are in bed. No more distractions, no more twitter, no more blogging, no more letting people talk my ear off about things that don't even matter when I have shit to do, none of that... not forever- just not rite now. I can't afford distractions at this point in the game.

I currently have an average of 100% in all three of my courses and I intend to make damn sure I keep it that way. All of the distractions I have are distractions that I allow, not anybody else. So it's up to me to reduce them. I just need more "me" time. My biggest goals right now are keeping good grades and finding a better job. In the meantime I'm making myself scarce. I may blog here and there but that's just because I can't help it, writing is one of my outlets and everybody needs that. I also must start taking my ass to bed at a more decent time, I'm gonna wear myself out with this 5 hours of sleep (or less) every night for months in a row nonsense. And I need to eat healthier, I LOVE JUNK FOOD. But I feel like your body is like a car, if you keep driving it without proper maintainence, it's gonna slowly but surely fall apart on you. Except the difference is, a car can be replaced- YOU can't.

I took some time to step back and look at myself and I just feel like there are some things I need to improve in different areas of my life, and also my physical and mental being. So I'm just gonna hang up a "Closed For Remodeling" sign up on my life right now. It may get a little unorganized, it may inconvenience some people... but when it's all said and done everything will be beautiful.

And I will finally have some inner peace.

Paper Thin

this post is for my single ladies (no beyonce). first, yes thats MC Lyte in that pic and i dont wanna hear nothing about her pants... dont even act like... matter fact that's all i'ma say: DONT EVEN ACT. lmao

second, pay hommage. she was definitely one of the illest female emcees. do me a favor and scroll down, look to the right, and pause the homie nas real quick.

*waiting*

okay, now that we've got it quiet in here, i'd like to share some of the realest shit ever spit for the ladies. i think this song should just be re-released, like right now, for no reason. fuck worrying about gettin a ring put on it.

i'm also posting the lyrics just to help it sink in even more:

When you say you love me, it doesn't matter.
It goes to my head as just chit chatter
You may take this egostistical or just or worry free
But what you say I take none of it seriously
And even if I did I wouldn't tell you so
i'd let you pretend to read me
and then you'll know.
Cause I hate when one attempts to analyze.
That I despize those who even try
to look into my eyes to see what I am thinking.
That dream is over you gotta sink it.
And I tell all of you like I told all of them
what you say to me is just paper thin, word

I'm not the kind of girl to try to play a man out
I take the money and the gear and then break the hell out
No thats not my strategy, not the game I play
I admit I play game but it's not done that way
Truly when I get involved I give it my heart
I mean my mind, my soul, my body I mean every part
But if it doesn't work out, yo it just doesn't
It wasn't meant to be you know, it just wasn't
So I treat all of you like I treat all of them
and what you say to me is still paper thin
In one ear and right out the other
hurt is mumbo jumbo (eeeish) lover
I don't pay attention
I don't concentrate
you ain't got the bait
that it takes to hook this
a-hah, a-hah, a-hah
Sucker you missed, I put feelings aside I know who I am
My name is Lyte is your name Sam?
Cause if it is step off, grab your coat and get lost
Wrap your scarf around your throat and go back and catch a rope
And hit the road Sam, don't you come back
no more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road Sam, don't you come back no more

So now I take precaution when choosing my mate
I do not touch until the third or fourth date
Then maybe we'll kiss on the fifth or sixth
time to be me *mmmuaah*
Cause a date without a kiss is so incomplete
and then maybe I'll let you play with my feet
You could suck the big toe and play with the middle
it's so simple unlike a riddle
It's as easy as counting to 1-2-3
in other terms, letters L-Y-T-E
I'll tell you, you, you and all of you
in the back and in the middle in the front
Yo, that's it paper thin word up

*bows head and raises fist*

this shit used to be my anthem i swear. hence the bolding of certain lyrics lol. alrite yall, just wanted to blow the dust off an oldie but goodie to share with my ladies :)

♥

Oh You Wanna Race Huh?

okay as i mentioned earlier today, i probably get my road rage from my daddy. this man thinks he is the KING of the road, do you hear me? one christmas there was a blizzard. and i mean some state of emergency do-not-drive-anywhere-for-any-reason type of shit. well he said "fuck that." so im in the backseat, and my stepmother is in the front seat (bless her heart) and we get on the highway so they can drop me off at my bd's sister's house and then they continue on to my stepmom's brother's house which is an hour drive with NO snow. the shit is just coming down, you don't even know if a car is ahead of you or not until suddenly you see hazard lights. this man has the nerve to cuss people out for driving slow.

"why are you driving 20 miles per hour?!" and of course they can't even hear him.

then he passes a snow plow truck and curses THEM out.

"that big ass truck can't go any faster than that?!"

while we were in a nissan altima.

okay there's one example.

now lawd dont let us be on a two lane highway and the person in the left lane is doing the speed limit, or even five miles over it. i swear he would have LOVED to have that sign at his side. he will go the fuck off. lay on the horn, call people all kinds of "motherfuckers" and "retards"... flip the bird as he passes, all of that. oh but wait... let HIM be in the fast lane and someone from the right is matching his speed or going faster. he thinks they want to race. no lie. "oh so you wanna race huh? you think you're faster than me?" and will really proceed to race with them.

be behind someone who turns with no blinker? or brakes and THEN turns on their blinker? that's my daddy rite there in that pic.

let me share a story.

once upon a time, he was behind a city bus as it was merging onto the boulevard and there was a yield sign. well apparently this bus yielded longer than my father felt was necessary and he assumed it was moving ahead as he was looking left to make his way into traffic. well it wasn't- so he hit it. not hard but he hit it. he gets out of the car, goes banging on the bus door, yelling at the bus driver, "what the fuck is wrong with you?! dont you know how to merge?!" etc, etc. so the bus driver grabs a hold of the handle that opens the door to prevent my dad from getting on the bus (cuz he shole was trying to get on that bus) and this pissed him off even more. soooo he decided he will just walk around and grab the winshsield wipers and bang them against the window, and talk his shit. finally he felt like he had said enough and got back in the car and just left.

see im mild compared to him.

but the story that sticks in my head the most is this one here... he was approaching a red light, it turned green. however, the car sitting there wasn't paying attention and just sat there, and in turn my father ran into the back of his car. mannn....

he got out his car and started marching towards the man as he was also getting out of his car. dude started gettin hype at my daddy "ah you hit my car! im gonna call the police and make a report! rah rah rah" soooo... my father snatched that man by his collar and bent him backwards over the hood of his car and told him "you're not calling shit. you sat your slow ass at a green light! you better not EVEN look at my car to get my license plate number. you're gonna get your ass back in the car and go wherever the hell it was you were going. do you understand?" then stared the man down as he got in his car and stood blocking the view of his license plate as the man drove off.

yo. i dont fucks with my daddy. he is no joke. my daddy went to the park in his 1970's basketball shorts with his socks pulled up to his knees, got laughed at... dunked on all them muthafuckas, got his daps and went home. my daddy didnt like the way domino's made his pizza so he drove past there and threw the whole mufuggin pizza at their window, while they were on their way to deliver us a new one. my daddy got pissed that the principal sent me home for what i had on and called him like "you only sent her home because you're a pervert and you didnt wanna get caught looking! she can wear whatever the fuck i buy her." i LOVES my daddy. i went off the subject but gotdammit he's my hero lol.

this would be us in the car together... except we look better. just sayin.

one year for father's day, we got him this lovely invention that my mom found at spencer's. til this day he says it was the best gift ever.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is the big flipper (as you can see). now what you do is pull down on the lil black latch there near the "wrist" and that spring up there causes the middle finger to fly up. he kept this in the car AT ALL TIMES. and when he wasn't able to react quick enough because he had to steer or whatever, he pointed at the car he was pissed at and told one of us to grab the big flipper and flip it at them. one time i flipped off the wrong car, oops. i have NO idea if they still make these or not, we bought that for him in the late 80's/ early 90's... looking at it kinda makes me want one just for old times sake lol.

so you see... i come by my road rage honestly. just about two weeks ago i was driving along minding my business *humming* when this truck just decides to pull out in front of me and i had to slam on my brakes and swerve a lil bit so i didnt end up hitting his ass. i was HEATED. heated i say! he tried to speed off on me but um... nah mudafucka, me real ting dis.

i caught up to his ass at a red light n put my window down. he gon just keep lookin straight ahead like he dont see me. oh but his window was down too so mufucka you atleast gon HEAR me. man i cursed his ass out in two languages (i live in an area with a high hispanic population- just letting you know why the two languages were required lol) i forgot how much spanish i knew but that shit just flew rite out of my mouth. fool gon straight ignore EVERYTHING i said except when i said "estas borracho puta?!" (are you drunk bitch?) gonna keep lookin straight and shake his head no. didnt even say sorry or nothing. smh

but u know what? prior to that it has actually been quite some time since i had a road rage episode so im proud of myself. i did much better than the time this dude cut me off and i wanted to curse him out so bad, but remembered my window didnt work, so i opened my door (while i was switching lanes) and went the fuck off with my head sticking out the door. or the time this man almost side-swiped me on the highway in a convertible and i threw my drink in his car.

but like i said im doing better and that's all that matters :)

how about yall? any road rage stories??

p.s. i posted this simply because i wanted to share some memories n stories of mine so just in case anyone was thinking of preaching about setting examples or my behavior n such- save it. nobody likes a pawty poopa.